Why me?

The moment that I got that positive test with both my daughter and son was one of the greatest moments of my life, so it was no different when the same happened with me and him.  That positive put me over the moon.  Him, having been through three miscarriages, had a really hard time getting excited.  I was excited at first, until I started spotting.  The pregnancy just felt different.  Everything was different.  I had never had spotting with either of my other pregnancies.  I was told by multiple people and doctors that spotting was ok during pregnancy and actually quite normal.  To me, it just didn't seem right.  I wasn't the doctor, though, so maybe they knew what was best.

I went to my first appointment and the urine pregnancy test was so faint that they almost didn't say I was pregnant.  The line barely popped up in the time limit.  I was confirmed pregnant and given a due date of May 18, 2018.  I was so excited.  Hearing that I was pregnant from a doctor made me feel so much better.  That same day, I started spotting worse.  I called the nurse and she said that she would check my hCG levels with the blood they drew earlier.  And thats when the roller coaster ride started.

I got my first numbers back.  My levels were only 45.  They were low for me being 4 weeks.  They checked again 48 hours later and they had doubled, but only to 93.  They were still pretty low for where they were.  I was so confused about what was going on.  Could I have implanted later than I thought?  Was I miscarrying?  Why couldn't someone just give me answers.

My last draw was on a Thursday.  That Sunday, I ended up in the ER with dehydration.  My hCG levels had went up to 230.  They doubled again, which was good.  At that point I had now idea what was going on.  I was still spotting, but overall I felt great.  On Monday, I went to work and while I was on lunch, I started bleeding like I was having a miscarriage.  It went as fast as it came.  I went to my doctor immediately.  She checked over me and said that everything seemed fine.  She wanted me to come back Wednesday for another hCG check.  I was also placed on bedrest.

In the meantime, I went to another doctor.  I didn't really like the one that I was with so I saw this as the perfect opportunity to switch and get a second opinion.  The new doctor immediately did an ultrasound and another hCG check.  The ultrasound didn't show anything, but hey, I had no idea when I ovulated or when I implanted.  So, the ultrasound really wasn't reliable, or so I thought.  I got the blood results back from that draw and they were 277. This was a Tuesday so the numbers had definitely not doubled since Sunday.  This wasn't good, but I still had hope.  I cried all night, prayed harder than I have EVER prayed before.  I just wanted my baby to be ok.  I just wanted my baby to stick.  I didn't want to lose the baby that I already loved so much!

On Wednesday, I got my next hCG check with the doctor I didn't like.  I received the results on Thursday, and they were 413.  My numbers had almost DOUBLED since Tuesday.  How exciting, right?  Thing is, they couldn't compare anything because they didn't know I had my levels checked at the new doctor.  So, I had to be secretly happy!

Blood draw with the new doctor was done on Thursday, and the results Friday were amazing.  My numbers were 588.  They had more than doubled from the results on Tuesday!  I was over the moon happy.  This was happening.  I was going to have a baby.  I couldn't have been happier.

I also had a blood draw at my new doctor that same day.  It was Friday, so the results would take longer to come back.

So, recap of my numbers:

9/12: 45.4
9/14: 93.4
9/17: 230
9/19: 277
9/20: 413
9/21: 588

Numbers were finally doubling and doing good.  But what about that one day that they didn't double, you know the 230 to 277.  Maybe vanishing twins?  Maybe that is what happened on Monday.  Maybe not.

Friday night I started hurting bad.  My back was killing me to the point that I couldn't sit up.  All of a sudden I started bleeding again.  Not good, not good at all.  I went to the ER and they told me that the levels from my doctor earlier that day was 1099.  So, once again they had doubled.  I was so excited.  They did another draw while at the hospital and the results were not good.  1076.  They were going down.  They did an ultrasound to check for ectopic.  They saw something in my tube but could not confirm what it was.  They send me home with a threatened miscarriage.

On Saturday, things seemed great.  My spotting was pretty much gone.  We went out to eat Saturday and when I got home it started again.  This time, my arm and shoulder were hurting.  I was bleeding and spotting bad again.  Things didn't look good.  I went back to the ER.  They took my levels again, and as I figured, they dropped some more.  They were down to 964.  This just meant the inevitable.  I was miscarrying.  I knew it, but I didn't want to believe it.

Monday was my appointment with my doctor.  He confirmed it.  Miscarriage.  It felt like I had never heard those words before.  I didn't want to hear them ever again.  They hurt.  I don't think I have ever felt a pain like this.

My doctor will watch my numbers back down to zero.  I am just glad I finally have answers.  The ride is over.  I know what is going to happen now.  There is an end in sight.  I needed it.  I don't think I could have dealt with much more of this.....